.JeanMarie.Elizabeth.’s blog

"No one really knows because it is imposible to do so.

No one has been with you your entire life.

Only yourself, and even then, you can't remember everything you've done."

I can’t say things are changed,
but they may be changing
 

Why I think they are changing:
conscious realization.

 

:realization: I got totally caught up in drinking
shit. started drink the day I fucking got here
fuck. started an hour after my parents left
60 minutes after my parents left.
subsequent-ed by six days a week the first three weeks,
then nearly every weekend and many weekdays since.

:realization: In order to continue such shenanigans,
I need to manage time better when I’m sober.
didn’t take much note of what was happening when,
simple (horrible) solution --> I just wouldn’t go.
didn’t keep very good track of when assignments were due,
my grades suffered.
since break I’ve resumed usage of my planner
I make To-Do lists
regardless I procrastinate till the very last minute.
the bottom line is that I need need need to get my shit done
it does not matter how disinterested I may be

 

:realization: If I’m truly so disinterested in my courses, why am I here?
the gen eds are the gen eds, I have got do 'em
yet with no direction it’s hard to stay motivated
my goal for the summer: come back Fall ’08, well... with money,
but really... with a major, a plan
with motivation
but if I fuck up Winter ’08... there will be no Fall ’08.

 

:realization: It is not in my best interest to continue with the bleak status quo
established between arrival (Sep2007) and Spring Break (Feb2008).
there is no way I can continue making every weekend a shit show
the Fall ’07 semester is all the proof needed to prove that point
it’s not that it was or is hard for me not to drink,
not that it would have been that hard to cut-back,
it’s that I didn’t care, I was not motivated to care.
until recently.
Two weekends ago I only drank one night
            all last week & weekend I did not drink at all
            Monday I simply drank two beers

 

:realization: I need to slow it down when I drink.
there is no reason to get slam a bunch of shots quick
get shitfaced and blackout e-v-e-r-y time
why do I do that?
I don’t enjoy not knowing what happened
I miss out on the fun I had
I might as well had not been there drinking,
losing my brain cells
my memories of so many nights are as if I had not even been there
I hear the stories of the wild night
but I should know the stories, not hear them
not dread that I will be informed of some utterly embarrassing thing I did

 

:realization: Conscious realization is where it begins.
:reminder: It takes more than a realization to produce change.
to realize, to admit
that the things going on in your life
need to change
is where I think change starts.
but only that
a start, a spark.
obtaining the desired results,
making change,
of course is more complicated than a couple of statements
that’s why it is change...
it takes follow through.
don’t I know it.

   

I can’t say things are changed,
but they are starting to

Scattered shadows on a wall, you watch the long light fall
Some impressions stay and some will fade
Tattered shoes outside your door, clothes all on the floor
Your life feels like the morning after all year long.

Every day it starts again
You cannot say if you're happy
You keep trying to be
Try harder, maybe this is not your year.

Movies, TV screens reflect just what you expected
There's a world of shiny people somewhere else
Out there following their bliss
living easy, getting kissed
while you wonder what else you're doing wrong

Breathe through it, write a list of desires
Make a toast, make a wish, slash some tires
Paint a heart repeating, beating "don't give up, don't give up, don't give up."

My brain is very muddled right now
I am lacking sleep,
I am lacking food.

I feel such extreme emotions,
that I feel I can't trust them.

Maybe the emotions are real?
Maybe they're over reactions?

I am sick of confusion.

I am sick of hyper emotion.

But it makes me realize,
I'm sick of denying emotions.

I want to sleep for days.
And wake up 5 years old.
when nothing mattered,
when happiness...
happened
and did not have to be sought after,
did not have to be obtained.

When you weren't,
When I wasn't too scared to stand up...
because I didn't need to stand up.

I would love to make promises right now
of the beginning a better future
in so many ways...
But none of the promises would be new.
Simply put:
I am pathetic.

Never mind, fuck this post.
If you're reading this
WHY.
I'm in a fuck everything mood
and this is not helping.

Sorry to me for wasting my time.
And sorry to you for wasting yours.

JeanMarie.
indecisive little pansy.

okay so this mother fucking speech toook me forever to get started
started it noon the day of, had class at 2-3:30 and it was due at 4:30
my fucking bad
finished it right at 4:30
couldn't get the piece of shit to print for 30 fucking minutes
got to class rightttt before the prof was about to give up on me showing up
Thank you Sandra!
and slaughterrred the presentation
half of it didn't get said
was overtime anyway...
It's rough
I admit it
but I love the general concept.

I was having a really hard time deciding what to use as my artifacts. I was going back forth between a few ideas, but I kept realizing that none of them were things that would correctly portray to you what makes me, me: JeanMarie Elizabeth Morrish. So it was last night, to be perfectly honest, that I realized: Nothing is more you, than your name. My name is pretty unique, like me I guess. Plus, in perfect cooperation with this assignment, the parts of my name connect me to the different parts of my family. So my artifacts are three parts of my first name: the letter J, the name Jean, and the name Marie.

It all begins with the first letter

The letter J
Which connects me to my immediate fam
I’m actually not the only one in my fam with a name that starts with J
My mom’s name is Jeanette
My little sister’s name is Jennifer
My dad or older brother go to call one of names without really thinking
Half the time you get called the wrong name
Extended family does it too, but you get used to it
It's become an inside joke, my sister was born, I was about 6 ½, I’m the one who named her
If anyone ever complains they like to tease me that it could have been avoided
I find it doubly important because these days I’m actually closest with my mom and little sister
Partially because it’s easiest to be, my mom and sis I email and talk to on the phone
I can talk to my sister I’ve been 11 once
But my older brother, I’ve never been 21, I don’t know anymore about muscle cars, engines, and snowmobiles than to ask the basics, which makes for a short conversation
And I’ve definitely never been my dad’s age, or been into westerns, antique rifles, or reloading cartridges
Although, I did go to his outdoor target practice range or whatev the technical term for that would be and it was very fun, and I, well we as a family, go to Cabela’s with him I think that he likes that I’m going to school down here, he comes down to visit and can always convince my mom that since Ypsi is so much closer to Dundee than Birch Run is… there is no reason not to stop at Cabela’s while they're down here, haha

I might not talk much with my dad but I do love him and he brings me to the name Jean.

Jean is the middle name of my Grandma Doris
My father’s mother, so Jean connects me to my dad’s side of the family
To be quite blunt Morrish family tree…well it has a lot of dead branches It is very small but very loving
Even the extended, extended, extended parts of this family although spread out and no longer Morrish, communicate regularly
I know some of my 4th and 5th cousins
I mean I could be wrong…but I think that’s kind of rare
Anyway I am so proud to be the namesake of my Grandma Doris
Besides my parents and siblings, I see my Grandma Doris the most
She is turning 81 in mid-March
And it is sad to watch people get old, but she has done it gracefully
My Grandpa Lowell died in Jan of 1999, wow almost 10 years ago
But my Grandma is still a strong lady
In good health, KNOCK ON WOOD
Sarcastic as ever, loving as ever
She tells everyone the same little anecdotes over and over
But she has been doing that for years so that is no complaint of her health!
About how her dad used to eat his peas with a knife
Her much younger siblings would wait for her at the bus stop on Friday nights because it was payday and she would always have a little surprise for them
And one she especially likes to tell when the topic of my name comes up is how on her birth certificate Jean is spelt with an additional n and e, but that she doesn’t really like it that way and Lowell, my grandfather always called her Doris Jean but never used the -ne
When I talked to my mom this morning I brought this up
Since my grandpa always spelt it without, mine name is the way it is, because my Mom didn’t even know about the extra -ne
I have to wonder sometimes though, my Grandma usually signs letters and cards Doris Jean and more and more often do her signatures include the -ne
She is still active in Quilt Gild, made both the quilts on my bed in my dorm, one’s a prize winner
Besides my dad, she also has a daughter
My Aunt Diana, Uncle Joe, and Cousins: Becky 23, KC 21 in March, and Andy 18 are the Cybularz
All of Team C, as they’ve dubbed themselves, is right up top on the list of my favorite people in the entire world
Live in a little town called Jacobus, near York in the Southeastern corner of Pennsylvania
A 9-12 hr drive depending on traffic and weather
Ever since I remember we drive there every Thanksgiving; they drive here every Christmas
Back when things were simpler for Cybularz kids, my older brother, and I, no planning around jobs or road trips with friends, our families would spend a week or two together in the summer, our house, their house, or camping
Summers lately have only been those who can make it

We think it’s hard to coordinate schedules between the Morrish and Cybularz families, but that’s nothing compared to the Fate side of my family, whom are connected to my third artifact.

Marie is the middle name of my Grandma Pat
It would take entirely too long to go through the cousins I have on that side
But from oldest to youngest there is my Aunt Barb who just moved to I forget where but it’s still in MI, Uncle Joe in Flushing MI, Aunt Karen down in NC near Charlotte, Uncle Mike in Flushing MI, mom, Aunt Teresa in West Chester PA, and my Aunt Bari in Berkley
I don’t see any of them very often
And I am not very close with any of them
Except my twin
My cousin Ryan and I were born on the same day, but I am a couple hours older
He lives and goes to college in NC thgough

Putting my artifacts together puts the parts of my family.

Some of whom I hardly get to see but I can be reminded of by simply thinking about my name. There is nothing more you, than your name. And I love my unique name.

It could have been good.
It could have.

drinkindrinkin drinkindrinkin

An update.
Natalie was asking for one.
So I sent her pretty much this exactly...
with a few changes.
And I'm sharing
in case anyone else
is cravin some JeanMarie.

*DISCLAIMER: I have done a good job of cutting back on the drinking,
the events in this recollection are not a fair display of that.
mymy. what a weekend.
lovelylovely.

the Downing girls and I took this extended weekend
and did nothing very productive with it...
it was kind of wild...

Thursday, we just chilled and drank,
Met a couple of Sarah's friends,
cool people.
Failed at paying attention to Boondock Saints
and want to watch it sober one of these days
it looks goood
& oh I gauged Sandra's ears...to a 10.
I had started my left side on Tuesday
& made my right a 6.
Sandra pushed the left side the rest of the way through Thurs.
8 like I started my right side last uh, April.
mmhm April 20th...

Friday, Sarah and I were REAL classy
and did Edward 40 hands,
bahaha you tape 40s to your hands,
can't pee,
and you have to drink em pretty fast
so they don't get warm and nasssty.
Made it a competition...WON : )

Went to Briarwood with the girls on Saturday,
got our eyebrows did.
I don't think they really look that different...
and therefore not so sure it was worth 10 dolla.
that night we went to a Graffiti frat party...
we HARDLY ever go out and drink at parties,
either have people over or just chill ourselves in the dorm...
it was so much fun though.
oooh and I purchased the beer for that night,
it was nerve-wracking a little,
but adrenaline rushh!
40s again,
but then we found out that party rules
were no glass and no liquor,
so we each put one of our 40s a 2 liter soda bottle,
again with the classy-classiness...
chugging beer out of a soda bottle...
even I have to shake my head at myself sometimes, ha!
So they kicked everyone out at 2
and we walked to Sarah's friend's apt
played some beer pong.
Saturday was alllso the 2 month mark
of me quitting smoking!
before I got drunk
I decided I would let myself smoke one that night,
curiousity's sake...prove that I could continue to not need them/want them.
So I did and it was kind of grossssss.

Lastttt night, a couple of us played beer pong.
With THEE table : )
Sandra, Brandon, me, Allen and Demetrius.
Sandra and I of course played together,
played every game,
and won most of them : )
although, I admit,
I was offf most of night
and was riding on luck, and Sandra.

Hmmm
Natalie got more details for some those stories...
but if you were meant to know them
you will b'c either
A: You were there and do already know
or
B: I'll be telling you, personally : )

oooo!oooo! and I watched Juno today,
sooo GOOD!

yepyep.
Wonderful weekend.
but I realllly should
get to my frackin Science.

It's time to let you go
It's time to say goodbye
There's no more excuses
No more tears to cry

There's been so many changes
I was so confused
All along you were the one
All the time I never knew

I want you to be happy
You're my best friend
But it's so hard to let you go now
All that could have been
I'll always have the memories
She'll always have you
Fate has a way of changing
Just when you don't want it to

Throw away the chains
Let love fly away
Till love comes again
I'll be okay

Life passes so quickly
You gotta take the time
Or you'll miss what really matters
You'll miss all the signs
I've spent my life searching
For what was always there
Sometimes it will be too late
Sometimes it won't be fair

I won't give up
I won't give in
I can't recreate what just might have been
I know that my heart will find love again
Now is the time to begin

I can't hold on forever baby
I'll be okay

--I'll Be Okay--Amanda Marshall--

Mmhm. She sings B-E-A-Utifully.

And duh I'll be okay,
that was the realization I had last week.
It just the start of something new
and the semester is perfect for that.

It's also a new beginning for classes.
Although, I reverted to old ways
ACCIDENTLY
and slept through
Intro to Film &
the Science of Everyday Life.

But I made it to my science lab,
so I asked someone
who was in my actual class what
homework was assigned today.

I love meeting new people.
But I'm missing my Downing ladies.
I need to do a MUCH better job
of making it over there.

Although it amazes me,
in high school people didn't come to me,
come to my house,
I had to come to them.
Because I have the type of parents
that make you feel uncomfortable.
Now, the Downing girls dont' come to me
I go to them.
Since other people come to hang out
in my dorm,
I know it's not my humble abode
that is deterring.
I used to feel a little hurt,
but now, DUH, I realize and accept the fact
that they have a better dorm
and they are already altogether.
it's easier for one to join three or four
than three or four to join one.
And that is why, Fall 08,
the living plan is what it is!

OH! I think I've decide to go for Social Work.
I'm still going to kind of look into
what a few other Majors consist of,
but I enjoyed the Social Work and Sociology
classes I took at SVSU with Olivia.
BAH, I need to remember to transfer those credits...

Anyway, I love love love how this semester has started.
As long things continue to go well.
Actually.
They will.
As long I work hard
to keep them continuing that way.
mmmhm.

Why the HELL has it been non-stop raining?
Why was I able to walk around in shorts after going to the Rec?
Isn't it JANUARY?

...

I've had a wild, nearly constant, headache since Saturday.
Blehck.

It's making classes horrid.
And sleeping.
And waking up.

Classes themselves aren't too bad.

Speech
will be easy enough...
OneWord: Forensics.
I'll have to motivate myself to write the speeches,
but after 4yrs of competitve speaking...
presentation will be almost like nostalgic fun.
We already have our first speech Thurs.
It's an Introduction,
which must include our name
and one interesting,
memorable thing about us.
I don't know what's interesting
and memorable about me...
It is pass/fail,
you do it or you don't.
So my speech may go as follows:
Hello! My name is JeanMarie Elizabeth Morrish
and I am fine with simply being average.
We'll see if I can get a little more creative before 2pm,
if I can get up before 2pm...

Intro to Film Appreciation
Henry Aldridge seems like a sa-weet dude.
As for the class...
You watch movies.
You learn about movies.
You take 3 exams about movies.
You write one paper about a novel
that has been turned into a movie.
For Birch Run people...
think Lit. in Cinema
minus ca-razy Mr. Peters.

the Science of Everyday Life
might be slightly more difficult.
I haven't taken science since 1st sem Senior yr.
I haven't taken Physics....EVER.
We are assigned hw every class.
The prof is a soft-spoken man from India.
...I will be sitting very near the front.

Judo
will be Judo.

Women's Studies
I have no idea about
because, well you see,
Sandra talked me out of going to class on Monday.
I'll be finding out tomorrow.

...

I have a done an overall disgusting job
of sticking to my New Year's resolutions.

Except one...
Keeping drinking to Thurs, Fri, Sat.
Butttttt, it's only the first week of that...
and I already want to drink tomorrow.

I was also going to make and accomplish a goal everyday,
but that only lasted for the 2nd and the 3rd.
It can easily be reinstated at any time though.

...

Bahhh, I'm tired and want to watch Queer As Folk.
no more writing.

 

Shits ca-razy!
couldn't sleep last night, so I watched...

You gotta watch this, it stuff that I never even considered!
I'm not sure I agree or disagree with it, but it makes you think....
what if they did do that? could they really pull that shit off?

So what I'm thinking now is...
1. if this shit's true, the film about flight United 93 just helps spread false rumors about what happened that day. that's some psychological shit right there, creating memories for us.
2. if this shit's true, Rudy Giuliani was fully involved and aided in the cover up...and now he's running for President...nucca better not win, I'll be pissed.
3. if this shit's TRUE, this country's fucked up...even more than I thought! that's a lot of deaths for some puppet of a President to have full reign in light of the nation's mixture of anger and fear. fuckin patriot act and shit.

...really, watch it.
It's kind of shit quality, and kind of long...
but makes you think.